Today I was looking at the FB profile of a young Engineer I used to work with. This led to another ex colleague, which normally would spiral me into a cringefest of remembering the worst things I did in my work life, some of which I am pretty sure is if not illegal, is definitely worthy of a trip to HR.
I found out that said ex-colleague an engineer, his profession is listed as 'Travel Blogger' Now to be entirely fair, mine is listed as 'Dark Mistress of the Universe' so it might not be entirely truthful, but I believe it through the context clues on the rest of his page yet still I think....
Engineer to Travel Blogger.....that's enough to put a Jewish/Black/Asian mum into a coma!!!!!!
Funny enough I was surprised at my complex feelings, part resentment that someone who had lorded (metaphorically, he was actually a top bloke) their 'Professional qualification' over me (despite the fact that I am well educated myself, my academic achievements were purely masturbatory in comparison leaving me dwelling in the convenience hell of an aimless single mother mired in the normative expectations of society - Administration) is now in the same space...indulging in Indulgent slackercore of a grown adult saying F*ck it, I want to do what I want.
I have lived half a lifetime already and I realise that I still can't think of any 'conventional' profession I would ever want to do. Dwelling on the worry (fear) that I would be a burden on my intentional family by being a low earning self employed person, I re-thought further education by looking at my Alma Maters post graduate prospectus....and closing it in disgust, because despite the fact that I have always enjoyed the idea of studying again, learning and absorbing new information (especially anything to do with history) the idea of doing it with the point of a profession still fills me with horror. I don't WANT to be an "-ist" only to join into the rat race, not working 9-5 (not including the wonderful commute) feeling harassed on the weekends because I have so much to do, letting things slide in the home because I am too knackered to keep on top of it (and I am not even touching how hard that would be in my current limited capacity, I am pretending that doesn't even exist). I was SO unhappy with it, but I coped, I don't want to just cope any more. Now I live a life of joy and not just coping.
So why did I initially feel resentful? Maybe there is a part of me that thinks that maybe had I not been a stubborn ass as a teen and insist on doing an arty thing, maybe if I hadn't fallen for a charismatic TV scientist in my early 20s, perhaps I might never have done that high brow academic science, maybe....just maybeeeeee, I would have fallen in love with a sensible profession. Maybe I would have taken that spot I was offered at a Mid level University to do Bimedical science and become a Lab Technician? Maybe I would be happily making a decent living going at the PCR machines right now and wouldn't be so anti work and just swan into another country without thinking 'How am I going to live'? I would happily kill myself doing the standard narrative in Canada, NZ or Eire without double thinking 'What is the meaning of this'? Because I would already be invested in this career that I could see going somewhere.
Life is just SO much easier if you conform.
But at the end of the day, I am still me and maybe, I am just me and would always have ended up being a terrible hippy......
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