However, if you want to read something FAR more involved and clever you can't get better than this article from Chelsea Dagger at Polyamory for us.
I had always been quite particular about the fact that I was in an accidental triad (as far as I knew but..of course that was quite likely BS) and that, of course made it more healthy, therefore I could stand on my healthy triad pedestal and tell people how to avoid all the negative triad tropes, like couple privilege and such, all the while not realising that I was living out other negative tropes that were just as destructive to my emotional, mental and physical wellbeing and my relationship to my child.
It is only with the hindsight of experience, maturity and most importantly, the return to full health of my relationship with my firstborn which has been able to give me the kind of perspective that anger and resentment would not allow me before.
It has also allowed me to acknowledged that I was manipulated and abused by two very damaged people.
That is not to say I was or am a perfect person. I have many negative traits, I am haughty, patronising and moody. For people used to living a 1 decibel life, I was 99 decibels of pure hell. I come from loud people what can I say? We make noise.
Anyway.....
I recall telling a coworker from the last job I did about 'That time my ex choked me because he wanted to show off his KEWL martial arts move' I said it in that sort of nonchalant attitude of a woman that knew it was accidental and despite being in a massive amount of shock and pain, quickly forgave.
My co-worker looked horrified, but there was something else there that I never would have thought about. He was disgusted. Not at me, but at the unknown him. The kind of man SO desirous to prove his masculinity that he would put pressure on the front of a woman's throat. Something that you know is supposed to be debilitating. Almost middle-aged me would have packed up and gone home right then. The woman I was back then seems almost like a child. A girl-woman who doesn't yet realise that Sorry doesn't excuse everything and sometimes it is ok to say 'Fuck this' and walk out. You don't HAVE to be nice, you don't HAVE to be forgiving and a man that bloody stupid will cause you far more pain with his lack of impulse control in the things he said and does. Like when he tells you that you walk strangely or that your body is not normative.
And yet I was, endlessly forgiving, I walk funny? Ok....I don't have a normal body type for a black woman?...I forgive you. Treat me like shit after sex because you are still angry at me therefore giving negative messages about sex when I am most vulnerable? Let's talk this out. Tell me that your sexually dominant husband is "afraid of (me) because I am loud"? Ok, I am SURE there wasn't an alternative reason for her trying to mess with our dynamic by inferring that he was scared.
Even when I witnessed the lies SHE had told him over the years, proudly boasting about the kind of power she had over him, since he was easy to manipulate, I didn't confront, this was their dynamic, not mine. But eventually I felt complicit with emotional abuse she levied against him when I realised that he, like his children was on the spectrum and he was, indeed easy to manipulate, I lost respect for the woman who used his differently abled mind to her advantage, so she can have a slave for life, who was pleased for the few crumbs that she gave him in emotional and physical affection but also talked him out of any other relationship he conducted as soon as we became a threat to her, boom, there was suddenly a totally reasonable reason for him to get rid of the other woman and he was back to playing with 5 fingers in the loo looking at dozens of pictures of fat arsed woman on a kink site (as a woman with a fat arse, I respect that).
"Oh" She said as we talked together "he cruelly accused me of trying to get pregnant with our son on purpose, I would never do that, I can't believe he would do that to me, SAY that and make me feel bad...." (He looked devastated for the pain he had caused her, his face fell and he apologised to her sincerely and profusely, I guessed, not for the first time)
Two years later.......
"Oh" she told the now pregnant me alone "I tried everything to get pregnant with our son....EVERYTHING".
You see, pregnant me was now suddenly very interesting, so every conversation became about her, her morning sickness, her chemical pregnancy, her attempts to get pregnant a second time....so frantic was she in her desire to control the narrative and take some attention back that she must have totally forgotten her previous 'how DARE he accuse me of getting pregnant on purpose' narrative.
Liars lie and manipulators manipulate, but there is a saying that things that are easy to hide in monogamy are exposed like a large canker sore in polyamory/gamy.
But it wasn't just him who she manipulated, she also manipulated me and used her tears and fragility as a shield against reproach.
"Oh" she stated "we made a pact, if either of us didn't like this place, we will leave, no questions asked".
Some years later.....
"Oh" she said again, from her permanent position on the bed, (next to a me who had grown practically immobile along with her, from the sedentary life, the lack of vitamins , fresh air and fresh foods, the bad diet and alcohol abuse.) 'We are happy here, I would resent it if I had to move, if it makes you unhappy you should leave".
An excerpt from the article linked above about warning signs.
3) “If she doesn’t like the rules, she can leave!”
This is unfortunately a very common attitude, and one that should be avoided at all costs. This attitude means that the couple is very set on both of them having a say in how the relationship evolves, and you are only along for the ride.
And that was the situation I was in, yes it was not a traditional rule, but it was stated to me in a way in which proved my disposability. They would move together. I, on the other hand, could LEAVE.
As you all know, I did, it was the best thing I could possibly have done, it led to the reestablishment of my good physical health, the birth of a second healthy and beautiful daughter, reconnecting with my spiritual path and finally, after much pain and patience, my amazing tall elfish daughter moved back home and now we are three.If I have learnt anything from my Unicorn experience (and by Unicorn I am most definitely referring to a single woman who moves into a situation with a couple under the pretence of parity but it is actually greatly disadvantageous to her) I have learnt that my life is (and was at the time) perfect. I was too quick to allow emotions to disrupt what I had and NO ONE should ever ask you to give up something that they would never in a million years do for you.
Your responsibility to yourself (and if you have them, your children) is to think clearly with your brain not to bow to your emotions, not to only think about your genitals and absolutely not to please the genitals of others!
I am now notoriously wary of couples seeking together or even those who practice a hierarchical form of Polyamory and generally, if anyone shows signs of highly strung extreme 'wokeness' I tend to get turned off.....I know this personality type and it does not work out well for me.
However, I do live my life in a non-monogamous way currently and I am happy with the relationships I have now which are fulfilling mentally, physically and emotionally, they are different, very different, but also very pleasing.
The door is now closed on the past. Life is not a competition, but if it was, I would feel like a winner. I now have TWO awesome children, the eldest flying the flag for LGBT, Kink, Poly, Autism awareness, environmentalism and sex positive alternative lifestyles. We have a strong, open and honest relationship with each other. She is my biggest cheerleader!!! My little one is practically perfect in every way, strong, stubborn and loving. I have a close relationship with my family again, good friendships, some plutonic and some....less so. 😉
I might not be rich in money and might not have the disposable income that I used to have, but I have a far more rewarding life.
And at least I am off of that fecking Island!!!!
(many thanks to Father Jack)
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