When I was a London suburban child in the 80's I received the same standard white girl reaction to my hair 'Oh I love your hair, I wish I had hair like this, can I touch it?' Both irritating but not rude, it was hard to say no, but at the same time, if 'wool' came out of a mouth I was incensed. It was common, I honestly thought 'hair stuff' was the only form of micro aggression I had and I am loath to call this experience one but this memory has popped up recently and it has been ruminating in my brain, just building a small lodge of bitter resentment from the early 90s that I feel I need to write about, simply for catharsis.
So I did AmDram. Yes, I was one of those awful people and I loved it! So much that I did four years of Performing arts after that and had dreams of a stage career that was interrupted by both a baby and the fact that I wasn't a good actress, enthusiastic yes, but when you are one of those people whose every emotion shows on her face and has an inability to tell a convincing lie? Your acting abilities are going to be limited.
Regardless in Amateur theatre none of that matters, it is all for the joy of it, the stakes are low and the fun is high and our first production was a small cast, low frills kitchen sink drama from the 1950s, I was the second female of a 4 person cast. Cast as a bit of a vamp at a time when I didn't know how to be sexy, but in true AmDram ways, there wasn't anyone else able to play the role.
In case you didn't know, I have what is called a 'Mid Atlantic' accent, comprising of a mainstream American accent and a SE English one, which was perhaps a little more cockneyfied then, than now, simply because I no longer talk to people with that accent on a daily basis so my accent has become a little more closer to RP but we are talking about 30 years ago so unsurprising. So when it came to the read through and being given the line 'I ask that you forgive me' I said 'I Assk that you for forgive me'
David, the boss man (for want of a better term) was the person who brought the group together, was directing and playing the lead role corrected me. 'It's AHsk, not AX'
'I Aahsk that you forgive me'
'You are still saying AX'
'AHsk'
'AHsk' he repeated, not 'AX'
Then came the humiliating conversation at why 'coloured people' say 'AX' and tears were burning behind my eyes at the frustration. I KNEW I was saying Assk, the mainstream US pronunciation not the AAVE pronunciation. They were imposing this on me and I knew it was because of my race, not my accent, even when I corrected myself and was still being corrected. by him.
Now, I don't think there is anything wrong at ALL with AAVE, but I was raised by mostly British accented family, I didn't spend a lot of time with African Americans and my American English was pretty mainstream, what is considered fairly 'white' by a lot of African Americans, my English and 'white' accent is what marked me as 'other' amongst African Americans. It was fucking annoying when you are well aware and have lived in your body, with it's throat, tongue and lips, you know how you pronounce words to have some 19 year old Londoner who has never crossed the Atlantic to ask you 'Why do black people do X' thing? When clearly he wasn't hearing ME, he was hearing all the American blacks on TV and cinema, he was hearing everyone but me. And worst still, I felt they were accusing me of not being well spoken. I was othered in a space I had up to then felt safe.
My American accent still comes out on occasion and I am at peace with it now and I tell everyone about my transatlantic childhood. Usually it is a good ice breaker discussion before I get onto more pertinent business, I have never since then had my accent racialised like that, even during the four years of voice and speech, which should indicate that David was full of bull crap really but it is amazing what pops into ones brain and wriggles away until you get it out. It's a quarter to three in the morning, clearly I was not going to get to sleep until I get this out.
............
I am done with the kinky crowd, after three years of all manner of men with mental issues, cheaters, liars and men unsafe around children and animals, I decided it was better for me to give up and go 'nilla. Better to have a nilla that respects you and is not into drama, than to deal with some of the BS from that crowd.
I am still holding (mentally) onto the Poly but I have had to come to terms with the idea that it might never happen, not because I am too fussy, but because America is a pretty awful country and I don't want to live there.
Yes, I said it.
And the fact is, that is where most of them are.
Thing is these last four years, when we witnessed the worst of America from top to bottom there was one thing I realised, with all the killer Cops and the Karens and it was....they were everywhere, they weren't just in Arkansas or Alabama. They were in NYC, in LA and Heaven forbid, they were even in Portland....Portland, the liberal, poly friendly, queer friendly, weird centre of alternative lifestyles in the PNW. Where am I supposed to go in the States if I cannot go to Portland? My family are in FL, that is simply the belly of the beast and never even a consideration. Not to mention most couples seeking were NOT in Portland, but were surrounded by Proud boys, Magats and Tea partyists, if not themselves such people in FK, TX, OK or in the deep South, there were in places I simply don't want to be. I tell people that 'I don't think my girl wants to immigrate' and that is true, she doesn't want to go even as far as Scotland (I tried, you know despite the midges, I am still fairly happy with the Scottish mainland, the Islands, on the other hand, are hell on earth and I would only return there if I hated myself and wanted to find a nice place to lay down to die and get eaten by Puffins). The truth though is, I don't want to go, I don't want to live there. I don't want to live in Biden's corporate America with a massive side helping of resentful white nationalists.
As for British Poly's, it is the same crowd of Unicorn hunters, kinksters looking for a naked harem of accommodating women, swingers and the ultra woke lot who get very upset at you if you express something they think of as not PC. So never mind my experiences which make me want to avoid certain people and 'conditions' like the plague, I am prejudiced doncha know???
*roll eyes*
I am just me, in London, with my amazing kids, blissfully happy as is. I don't need to chase rainbows, I already have the perfect relationship and that is as a Mother.
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