The no divorce delusion

There has been a phrase I have seen over the years that I have not really discussed before, it has always bothered me but I couldn’t articulate what was actually wrong with it, I think it is because it is a statement of belief that does not inherently seem to have any implications further than stating a simple fact of ones current belief system.

It is “We do not believe in Divorce”

So why does it make me feel uneasy?  I suppose it is the underlying threat of imposition.  And also, it creates a false sense of security by these ‘no divorce’ seekers that somehow they will have more success in Poly, due to the fact that anyone joining them must agree to their no divorce policy and therefore….it won’t happen.

I don’t think I need to tell most readers that it doesn’t work like that.

Poly is different, doesn’t matter if you feel you have plenty to offer, that YOU feel you are ready or if YOU feel that you are going to show someone SO much love and attention, so much security and safety they will never want to leave!  Well, I am pretty sure most people go into relationships with such high ideals but as we know, most monogamous relationships do not last and even when people get to the marital stage (which people insanely rush into when it comes to Poly) even 50% of those end too…clearly, the complexities of monogamous relationships still fail even with the highest of ideals when entering and that includes a fair few people who say they do not believe in divorce.

Poly is a different kettle of fish, it is harder, all those years of roughing away each others edges, of learning to deal with each others moods and habits are set to nought as soon as a new person enters and no, contrary to popular belief, it is not just that new person creating change and upset, everyone in the family changes when a new person comes along. So, all those habits and issues that you have both got used to are replaced by a brand new set of issues and habits that come into play in the wake of an introduction of person number 3 and you will have to deal with those changes in your current spouse as well as, the whole new set of issues that person three themselves creates.

Stating your divorce position is pretty much like many other of the subtle impositions prevalent in many seeking couples profiles “You WILL love our kids as your own” (Will I?) “You WLL love our Horses/Dogs/Pet rats” (are you going to make me?) “You WILL enjoy the countryside” (and if I don’t?)

Blissfully clueless of the fact that you cannot tell someone how they will feel and making that statement will not make it true, you are just trying to push your will onto another person and that never, ever works. Love cannot be demanded, not love of children, rats or trees, you can only state what you love and hope to attract those who share your same passions.  As for children, you need someone who would care for your children, but please do not confuse the activity of providing care and support, with the emotion of love, many people love step children, but it comes in its own time, a woman may love you though and make that effort to respect and care for your children, but you cannot tell her to love them.  You cannot control someone else’s heart.

The best you can say is ‘we work very hard to make our relationship work and have decided to stick together no matter what’ This is a statement of fact as to how your current relationship works. Saying ‘we don’t believe in divorce’ has ironically no meaning in a Poly situation, since no additional relationships are legal anyway,  so, what you are essentially saying by this statement?

1) “We, the original couple will never divorce so don’t try to come between us”? (Defensive and unnecessary).

2). “No matter what, no matter what sort of havoc you create, no matter the fact that we may have rushed into this, we don’t really know each other and you are, in fact a complete psycho, we will put up with it because we don’t believe in divorce” (you may as well invite every scam artist/flake/nutter into your calm and peaceful home right now).

3). If, for any reason you decide to leave, we will not accept it and refuse to provide for you and your children. (unethical and cruel)

4) If, for any reason you decide to leave, we will lock you in the house and pressure, pray and cajole until you change your mind (if this is you, please seek professional help).

This is not a legal marriage system, the bonds we create in Poly are bonds of affection and, in some cases personal security. For some, but not all, religious faith comes into play. Regardless, you are asking someone to live a life of, marital insecurity, essentially she will have little recourse to any assets or protection if things go wrong. This is a difficult position, most aware Poly people counter this by offering more security and a bigger safety net to non legal wives to ensure that should anything at all happen they will not exit the relationship in a far worse position than when they entered, this sense of personal security provided, allows women entering into this lifestyle a sense that they are being cared for and cared about, that they will be protected.  Now if you left your home, job and possibly your good standing with your family behind, is that too much to ask for?

Not providing for these eventualities because ‘we don’t believe in divorce’ is a selfish and unrealistic position founded on the idea that no matter what, your ideals will prevail. It shows you are only thinking of yourself and your feelings, rather than the personal security you need to invest in a non legal partner who may end up losing everything she has for you.  

If you cannot invest in her likewise, you have no rights seeking another wife.