Question and answer - Sharing space cross post

This was an old post I made on Polyliving which I had saved on here to post but forgot it, so here it is in the spirit of Throwback Thursdays.

Q:  (not verbatim because I haven't asked permission) What is the best way to form intentional families, live all together in the same house, share living space (Dargers)? Live in same house, not shared space but interconnected, share outdoor space? (Browns in Utah) Separate houses, Shared garden (Big Love) or Shared Cul d Sac (Browns in Las Vegas)?

A: (edited to present circumstances)
I think it depends almost entirely on the people involved   and by that I mean ALL the people, rather than a decision made unilaterally by the original couple about how they want it!

Too often I see people saying 'wants someone to move to us, share our house/bed' with no idea of what that other persons personal needs are or what they find they are after a while.  I know this because I lived it, I was fully committed to Poly home sharing, I still am in fact, but I need a certain amount of space.

 Now I am very insistent that people not make unilateral decisions on what they think is a 'valid' form of poly living.  Poly living is what works for everyone, not a personal ideal from only one side. 

As we know, unless they self build it is almost impossible for the Browns to find one single home in Vegas, whereas they are many large sized homes and homes designed for Polygamists in Utah, most standard houses have three to five  bedrooms, even if you have an average family size a small house would be packed once you add another adult, not to mention any children.
So the Browns are working towards four homes on one cul-de-sac, it isn't Kody's ideal but it is a compromise which works for every individual and that is what people have to do to have a successful relationship, it is find a way to make everyone happy.

I am however a great believer in is some sort of private personal space,  most Polygamous families maintain separate sexual relationships and therefore, separate bedrooms.  However the bedroom is not only just for happy time, it is a refuge and also, as in the case of the Darger wives, it is a place to express their creativity since the communal areas of their home are decorated neutrally so as to be fair and probably make sure the communal areas are not a horror of mis-matched styles.

There is a unfortunate assumption in triads that the new person does not need any private space since she is blessed to share in the bedroom space of the OC.

This is, also a mistake IMHO.  It should never be assumed that what works for a couple, works for a thruple and the rules for personal space, especially in a busy home and even more so if she does not have outside work, should be just as strongly enforced as in a Polygamous relationship. Being around another adult (or more) all day every day can be very wearing for a person, we all need some space to be alone, to reflect, meditate or fantasise and not getting that space can be very stressful.

It shouldn't be assumed that everyone would want to share space or that they would want to continue to share space after a period of trying it out, the very worse thing I ever heard was someone being told 'Well this is what you signed up for, this is Poly' I am sorry but that is SO wrong, Poly is about multiple committed relationships or marriage, there is nothing that says you must live with any of them! People should be prepared for that and consider alternatives, for example,  how about a move to a new house with an annex/granny flat/basement?  Or space in a garden for a small cabin? A duplex? Two apartments with an interconnecting door....the possibilities are endless if people are willing to work hard to find a way to make every member of their family happy.  Also, it is worth remembering that sharing one home does not make a family, but love and commitment does.