Hard on myself

I often am hard on myself over break ups.  I wonder what I could have done to make the relationship better, I wonder why I put up with things I shouldn't have put up with.  This was especially true over my relationship with a tall Dutchman named Neville.  He was a white Knight syndrome having, lying, cheating playa.  I knew there was something wrong and I ignored it.  How I beat myself up...for years over it.  It took me ages to work through it and kept me single and chaste for years after because I did not trust my judgement.

So, when my things came back from Scotland on Thursday, I spent the following days working through about 20 boxes of stuff I haven't seen in some cases since 2010.  I threw bricabrak away, I sent clothes to the recycling and I shredded copious amounts of old bills and things which have accumulated over time.  I went scorched earth on the boxes because frankly, I can't live with all those boxes, this flat is waaaay too small.  Anyway, I cleaned out my document box because I realised I had a lot of junk in it, most of which went into the shredder but I found two typed sheets of paper I realised were print outs of emails I wrote to Nev after I realised he was cheating on me and.........
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Wow, I had forgotten I wrote all that and you know what?  I was proud of myself. It is funny how time, hurt and anger can colour the past isn't it?  I wasn't the weak victim of a Machiavellian man, I was pro-active, I told him I deserved better and I offered him choices (including an open relationship believe it or not). I told him that I knew the problem was him and the issues he has, not myself, I have been honest and open to him. I tried to communicate openly and he was closed.

I don't have anything to feel ashamed about.


I don't have anything to feel ashamed about.