The closet and privilege

This is a hard life, let no fantasist tell you differently, it is a hard life but also, very rewarding, as with any sort of relationship you have to work hard, you have to put in as much as you give out, with a poly relationship the hard work that goes into communication, respect, trust et al is exponentially more difficult with each additional person. Once you and your partners make a commitment to each other you not only have the relationship to work on,  you have the ongoing issue of facing the world together, a world which doesn't understand and/or is hostile. The thing that unites us is that we face this together, we all came out to our parent/s, we have had to deal with the local community and all the fears that we and/or our children will be judged for a lifestyle that we chose.  Being openly poly in a monogamous world does have its own problems, we have to fight for our relationship to be considered lasting and equally valid by  'hurt and disappointed' parents who might try to erase our relationship, I might be excluded from greeting cards or my partners might not be considered when my mother is discussing holiday plans or the such which wouldn't have been an issue in a heteronormative relationship.  Yes it is hard but......knowing that my partners have eschewed their couple privilege (at least, socially) has given me strength and confidence that they value their poly relationship, more than they value being acceptable to the community. 

So what is couple privilege?  Couple privilege is the ability to live within the norms of society, maintaining a façade of being a traditional monogamist couple and benefiting from all the inherent legal rights, protections and benefits that has, including social acceptability.  Even to be able to say 'This is my husband/wife' when another partner is denied that by law is couple privilege. Some parts of the couple privilege can not, should not, be undone for the sake of a principle, therefore if your spouse is reliant on your benefits than it does little good to get divorced, making a stand for relationship equality!  Some of us are lucky enough to have the privilege of good health, so swings and roundabouts, but the social implications of couple privilege mustn't be underestimated.

Some alternative relationship people maintain couple privilege intentionally,  swingers and 'open' couples protect the 'Primary Partnership' by setting up rules which restrict the depth of 'secondary' partners, the other person is not considered and will never be considered, an equal partner. If the other relationship seems to be threatening to the primary partnership, than the rules are reinforced to maintain the primary status quo.  This is all well and good as long as everyone knows that this is the case.
What concerns me are the people who claim to be practising any form of group marriage, Polygamy or Poly fidelity and do not realise that they are unintentionally enjoying couple privilege in the legal and/or established partnership which, unbeknowst to them, is actually terribly isolating and dismissive of the non legal partner.

And I feel that 'The Closet' reinforces couple privilege.  By virtue of being closeted you don't have to face the issue of coupledom, there is no need to subtly point out the omission of a partner from a greeting card or apply for a service with three names on the form.  By maintaining that façade of dyadic norms, your relationship with your non legal partner becomes secondary by omission from your public relationship.

I appreciate that for some people it might be difficult to come out, but, as Shebo pointed out to me, it is a matter of what the risks are and how they compare to the risks of not coming out?  Is falling out with your birth family more stressful for you than the stress of living in the closet on a daily basis?  Is the risk of being discriminated against by a few intolerant people in the community worse for you than the health and happiness of your relationship?

The other day a person mentioned Facebook and the fact that her non legal partner was a 'facebook friend'.  I was confused because I thought that ALL your contacts on fb were titled 'friends'  but then I remembered, that their IS a place for partners names. I wondered then if this couple are stated partners on Facebook and how isolating that must be....but let's be honest, they are, technically at least, not lying, these people are still a legal couple, the lie is one of omission and then it also means that the third partner, non legal, closeted is written out of the day to day ramblings of cyber life that is a status update.

For example, John and Jill are married partners, their closeted partner Julie is also on Facebook, thinking of all the milestones, celebrations and similar that go through an average fb status in a month, if John is in the habit of saying 'Jill is sick, I am the nurse today, har har...' Or 'Taking Jill out to celebrate her promotion -woot' and Jill has done the same with John, what happens when it is Julie's milestones?  Does Julie even get a mention? 
This might be acceptable to Julie or she might even begrudgingly accept it as necessary for the stability of the family, but I wonder, why should she?

When it comes to closets, I fear that without a strong support network whether that be a Church (like fundamentalist Mormons) or a large local Poly community, the likelihood of longevity in these relationships is not optimal.  The 'All you need is love' notion is flawed and rarely survives NRE and the beginning of 'reality' setting in, it seems a higher price to pay than when you were all starry eyed.

And in a Post 'Big Love'/ 'Sisterwives'/Polyamory media explosion world is the closet really necessary?  Or is it a crutch to hide behind because you fear losing your privileged status?

As a person who has always been a bit of an outsider (for myriad reasons) I never considered I had inclusive status and therefore I did not feel I had status to lose by being Out  I appreciate the freedom I have in that, I appreciate the freedom I have living in a country that will not prosecute me for my lifestyle, but I even get this from people who live in non prosecuting areas, living their lives in fear, when the only true fear is fear of the unknown.

What I fear more than losing (fair weather) friends or not having my relatives talk to me, is not being allowed to BE the person I am because someone else disapproves of WHO I choose to love, this is not acceptable in the gay community, why should it be considered acceptable in the Poly community?