Anger, arguing and Enabling

One thing I have learnt on this great  Poly journey so far, and of course, one (two??) of the few relationships  I have had that has lasted beyond the NRE stage,  is how I respond when angry.  I tend to emote explosively, I  mean, I always knew I did react with passion but you know, when you have no one to act against you don't notice it that much.  Linda Goodman described Aquarian anger like the flashes of lightening on Uranus, it is strong, loud and bold and then it is gone...replaced by a calm and tranquil seas as if it had never been.....at least it is to me, I know that some people do not  react to their anger the same way, for some, anger is like a big oppressive heat inside of them which makes everything look grey, food taste like ash in their mouths, every sound is like a shrill scream, which irritates, they act ratty rather than angry, some do not know they are angry at all and misinterpret their anger into all manner of other emotions, leaving people confused at their inconsistent behaviour.

My way of emoting when angry works for me, because I understand it, I can cope with it and I actually do not respond too badly to people who react in that way because I understand it and I find that the reason why someone is angry often comes out in the heat of an argument (if you did not know before) and once the truth comes out, so can  explanations, apologies and eventually making up and I like making up so, consequently, I don't mind arguing. 

Some people do not respond to arguing in the way I do, the negative feelings don't evaporate after a good row and mine don't always evaporate after a cool, well contained discussion of the 'issue'.  It actually takes me longer to get over things when doing things against my nature and therefore, everyone has to re-work old   ways of communicating that may have worked in a previous relationship or pre-Poly dyadic one, it really is a mutual and monumental effort for every single person in a Poly relationship to start to understand every other persons style.

I noticed that I have the most lingering problems with a sort of long drawn out protracted simmering and inconsistently directed anger that lasts days and I have finally realised why I find it so hard to get over, it is because that is what living with DMD was like, it is his reaction and therefore being in the presence of it causes me quite a lot of pain that a huge argument never would, it turned me off of DMD (amongst other things) and so, I am acutely aware of the need in relationships for people to work on their ways of expressing anger because it can kill a relationship dead.

But what happens when a partner does not challenge you when you express yourself badly?  BF and I were conversing the other day, pondering how Mrs. DMD deals with his utter....wrongness?  I noticed that she hasn't challenged him, she  instead takes over, does what he should do, while he indulges his rage unchecked, in front of the children or any one else who happens to be observing him.  Enabling bad behaviour because you want to keep the peace  or even, if you think the anger is justified, is one of the worse environments to be around, people who never grow aware and are instead appeased in their negative behaviour never have a reason to change and lack of change causes emotional stagnation.