Radicalism vs. Romance

Yesterday I was catching up on the British based 'Polytical' website (which I love btw) and noticed a new layout and some new articles.. sweet!  Anyway, this particular article caught my eye, I followed the link and read the whole blog post and a couple of her lines started me thinking.  Of course, it is quite clear to me that the OP is of the primary/secondary persuasion at present, which is all well a good, but I am a bit irked at the assumption of possible future Polyfidelity and her idea that any future non married partner would be  very happy accepting a second class status in our society..  I realise that a lot of Poly people come into this life late after marriage, and in fact, they are positively encouraged to (see Alan's new Poly in the News entry here) by radical relationship gurus and sociologists, but what about those who choose the institution after accepting a Polyamorist ideology?  Why do it?  Because it is easier to reap the benefits of conformity or because it is a romantic milestone or perhaps both?.

I appreciated all the good arguments for getting married, a certain person being your rock, your family, knowing no matter what  you want that person in your life, grow old with them and you want to celebrate your love with your family and friends and you don't feel that your non monogamous status has any bearing on that!  Well....I agree, I don't think it does either....buuuuuuut....legal marriage is conformist in nature, the institution of marriage has a assumption of monogamy, which means as long as you are in it, you have a certain privilege of conformity, it creates a powerful legal and social structure in which your husband or wife and any children become your family and any one else unless related by blood is an outsider.

As I wrote in my previous post on the subject (not a hippie or a zealot) if you run in that huge group between those movements (and this group makes up the majority of the seeking population that we see in this post Big Love/Sisterwives televisual era) than a lot of people are going to experience this situation and it can indeed make or break a poly family because no one likes being an outsider in their own relationships, we all want to be insiders, marriage, by its nature is excluding.

So, I would advise, have the ceremony, have the friends and family present, but perhaps don't have the license or certificate, keep things open and hopeful in the idea that whilst committing and recommitting in your current relationship and having your romantic special day, you acknowledge that a future might bring about someone else who will then not have to deal with an institutional second class status. Trust me live in Poly-fi relationships are hard enough and a vastly different kettle of fish than Primary/secondary structures if you have the option, don't set up that barrier in the first place because once it becomes a part of your identity it is difficult to do away with but it is hellish to live with a partner who resents something that has no bearing on how you feel about them.


Realise that love doesn't have to be recognised in law but once you open that particular bottle you close it for any future partner, especially if you want a closed Poly fi vee or triad you are asking that partner to spend their lives in the fringes, be radical not just romantic.
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