Looking back.....

The interesting things about checking the stats for me is, finding out what people are reading, especially when your blog is as long as mine is, I myself rarely read back though and the reason why is, reading back, especially to those very rarely days of my blog is very, very depressing.

Why?

Simply because I was so hopeful, naive and smart and some of that smart I compromised and I am embarrassed about it, I can be impulsive and make stupid mistakes, I am human, fallible but I like to think I learn from all my experiences.  Years and years ago, when I broke up with Dutch I was very hurt by the breakup, but not for the loss of him as much as the loss of my self respect.  I have always been my worst critic really.  I knew things were wrong and yet, I ignored my intuition, I was very angry with myself for a long time after because of that and it took me much more time for forgive myself than it ever took me to forgive him.

I learnt from that experience but I still had plenty to learn, the stakes were higher too, too high and I am finding it hard to not be angry at myself for the mistakes I have made.  It is so daft to be so angry and regretful because, of course, you learn so much more from your negative experiences than your positive ones.

I am in this habit of beating myself up I guess.