Polyamory, monogamy, orientations and choice

There was a Poll recently on a Poly FB page about whether Polyamory could be considered an orientation.  Now I read the Dan Savage argument about the issue and I sided with him on the Poly as ‘behaviour’ side of things, rather than a sexual orientation.  But it is such a complex situation that I think the question is probably too simple.

 I tend to look at it less, ‘Is Polyamory a choice’? as ‘Is Monogamy a choice’?  In which case I say, Yes, I think everyone has the potential to be Polyamorous but because of external conditioning towards  monogamy most people reject it, I also think that some people recognise their capability towards Polyamory but reject it for other reasons, like time management  or negotiated monogamy into a relationship with someone who rejects Polyamory.

Also, I think this is a good time to bring up the temporary insanity which is NRE, that can be mistaken,  for twue love that Neophyte Poly’s can sometimes think they have fallen ‘out of love’ with existing partners because of the strength of their feelings for new partners.  Strong NRE is not, of course a guarantee of permanent affection, hence why it is important to realise that once the NRE is over, there must be more to the relationship than just attraction.

So, NRE can often mask a persons perception of themselves as capable of Polyamory, they might think ‘Oh no, I took the risk of loving someone else and now all I want to do is be with them and my other more long standing partner is not so interesting anymore, I must be monogamous oh noes!!!!’

It is not true, that is NRE and people DO get over it, it is  just hard to see that at the time.

So now to focus in on Polysexual behaviour, which, I feel is an aspect of non monogamy I don’t really focus on all that much as I tend to think from the premise of commitment, though of course, Polyamorous people are usually Polysexual also, the two only being separated when Asexuals or swinging is brought up.  Sometimes it may appear disparaging.  “Swingers are NOT Poly, they don’t care about relationships, only about sex”  Personally I think that is overly simplistic, clearly some swingers do have some very close friendships with their lovers, some swingers also move into relationships with their lovers also, so we can’t really say swingers do not care about Polyamory, only that Poly relationships are not their focus, but Poly sex is.  Obviously, sex does create a certain level of intimacy which can allow some other feelings to grow and so, swingers often create *CP* rules to prevent that happening, which  could be anything from ‘we have to do everything together’ to ‘you are not allowed to kiss him on the mouth’.  Anything that could be considered a threat to the emotional attachment between the couple is vetoed. This is Monoamorous behaviour but unlike people who describe themselves as ‘strictly Monogamous’ Swingers are aware that Polyamory is possible and so, instead of thinking along the lines of ‘It is just sex, there is no way our love would be threatened’ they think along the lines of ‘It is possible that we can develop feelings and we have to take active measures to prevent it’.

As a person who has a preference for Poly relationships I may not agree with this CP behaviour, but I understand why they do it and also, I think it is smart to recognise that people have the capability to be Polyamorous, rather than Monogamous culture insisting Polyamorous behaviour means less strength/ less intimacy/less emotional bonding etc.

So where does choice come in?

Orientation to me, is about attraction, we are all orientated to be sexual, from lesser (Asexuals) to greater (sex addicted) degrees.  You can be attracted to many people or attracted to just one at a time but very rarely is anyone...only attracted to one person their whole life, before or after marriage.  Polyamorous culture says, that extra marital (for clarity, of course one does not need to be married) attraction does not spell the end of the OC.  Monogamous culture says ‘something is wrong, you are threatening your relationship by having these feelings and you must either stop the feelings or decide if you want to drop your current relationship to pursue a new one with the attraction’ Hence Serial Monogamy, which is, of course our cultural norm, even if Strict Monogamy is the religious/traditional ideal.

The sexual drive is strong, but we have a rather pernicious social trope which says men are the only ones with a sexual desire for variety.  This feeds into underlying patriarchal ideas about female sexuality.  Once upon a time, women were not allowed to have any sexual desire at all, now they are not allowed to have sexual desire outside of their relationships.  To step outside of that cultural viewpoint means that there is a) Something wrong with the woman (nympho, whore, etc) or b) Something wrong with the relationship (she doesn’t love him anymore) granted that this one works for men also. 

But this ignores a very different approach to sexual attraction men and women often take, men might want to feed the physical desire as soon as possible, women want to be assured of an emotional attraction before they feed the physical one, this creates the allusion that women have less desire for variety because they may, hold off and be less spontaneous with engaging in sexual activity very quickly and since sexual  fidelity within relationships is highly valued, men have usually been  the ones who have been thought of as incapable of matching the social ideal, but this belies the fact that women do engage in extra marital behaviours, it just doesn’t always get physical and so, their fidelity stands intact socially, but that does not mean the initial drive is not there, it IS there,  it is just seen as less threatening.

With more opportunities, more partying and a more extreme drinking culture (therefore lowering inhibitions)  much of the impulsive sexual behaviour that men have traditionally been engaged in, is now equally shared by women, but instead of people realising that it is cultural pressure that created a lot of that discrepancy, young women instead are being accused of acting ‘like men’ (A good example  of that was the term ‘Laddette’ 

coined in the early 1990’s (UK) to describe a bunch of young women who were emulating male youth (i.e. Lad/Laddish) culture by drinking, smoking and having/desiring casual sex).

So, for me, perhaps there is too much distinction between what is polyAmorous and what is PolySexual behaviour?  But what makes the Polyamory lifestyle the Polyamory lifestyle, is making a conscious decision to do everything openly and honestly.

And so, yes, I do often tick the, ‘I think Polyamory is a choice that people make’ (and not an orientation) box because people DO make a choice to live an open Polyamorous lifestyle and that choice has to be much more conscious and self aware than being monogamous because ‘well that is how it is done innit’?