Why do we always think we would be different?

As I sat on the sofa removing these (now very annoying) fake Pirate Dreads from my hair, I was slowly catching up on my weekend email updates, including an interesting review article on Multiple Match by the lovely Louisa Leontiades.
It is a review of Cunning Minx's podcast/ebook "8 Things I wish I’d known about polyamory (before I frakked it up)"

I have heard of Cunning Minx of course, but read precious little Polyamory-centric media before I embarked on my previous relationship...more fool me because, of course, it was totally applicable.  Louisa talks about how they packed up their lives and left their home, chasing a relationship, I can relate, I did the same, she says pick yourself up, forgive yourself and move on...the experience will make you a better person.

I find that a little harder considering the impact it had on my relationship with my daughter, the guilt and resentment I have over that is the main hindrance I have to moving to complete peace.  Although I am in general incredibly happy, I live a great life and my little baby is a complete joy to be around every second of the day, I DO miss my big girl and the stupid, stupid completely foolhardy, idiotic and braindead zombified utter utter mad choice I made to move to the backyard of hell and beyond when under NRE makes me forever suspicious of the stuff.  NRE that is, don't think I ever want to feel it again.  I don't trust myself to make intelligent decisions, I don't even trust myself to be the person I know I am capable of being. I had an amazing life, great kid, great hobby, great community, ok job, money was useful, lots of holidays, then I frakked it all up, so....very....badly.

That is the second lifechanging and totally stupid life decision I have made on NRE.  I am not going for a bloody hat trick I can tell you!!!

So, since I know now what it is (and doing my best to avoid it) would knowledge such as this ebook have saved me?  Maybe not, because, of course, this was DIFFERENT.

Why do we always think we will be different?

I was talking to a friend the other day and she decided to take a step away from the PolyG/PolyFi scene, she said despite what people are saying on the forum/in public, in private they were actually pretty unhappy.  I thought about this for a while and realised that a lot of people I talk to in PolyA seem a lot more happy in general than the (mostly women) seem to be in Polygamy/PolyFi community.  Is it a feature of the freedom, independence and self determination that makes the PolyA women happier?  Is the the great amount of physical change due to greater distances which makes the PolyFi women more unhappy?  Often being expected to give up their freedom to live in someone else's home, their rules, theirs?


If so many women are unhappy, why are they not saying so?

I think in my case it was feeling somewhat public and a responsible face of Poly.  Let's be honest, one of the first things lots of people in relationships do is start up a blog, forum, Facebook page, gushing about how happy one is and 'how to do Polyamory/gamy' properly.... You are in love...you know how to communicate, I mean OBVIOUSLY you are doing everything right, correct?

But that old NRE is a total liar and you are not doing everything right, you started off totally wrong because you actually did not know jack.  But by now everyone knows you are one of the people with that awesome blog/forum/group about Polyamory/Polygamy/Sisterhood/etc and you feel you can't just continuously complain (and, you know it would case a sh*tstorm if your partner/s read it also, which they did and yes, it did).  So, what do you do? Who do you talk to?  Other people in the same situation?  Well there were few of them, a LOT of people wanted to be in a Poly relationship but precious few actually were to talk to.

What did I do?

I advised...and oh how did I advise, almost everything I wrote was a warning. "Don't do what I did lady, I am trying to save you".  My blog post about Unicorn Hunting and Couple privilege is still the most viewed post on the old blog post, getting an average of 20 views a day, it has been reblogged on Multiple Match and referenced elsewhere, it is even linked into someone's OK Cupid Profile.  Of course, I have had huge periods of frustration when I receive the response of 'Lalalala, I cannothearyoustopsayingthingsIdon'twanttohear'  Which I have heard a lot over the years, so, I ask again....

"Why do we think we will be different"?

I think because we NEED to believe we will be different, we are doing it right, we have a good relationship, good relationship skills, we are truthful, we talk, we are ALL on board, our eyes are open, we are experienced and know what we did wrong the last time...etc etc and all the other lies we tell ourselves to justify stupid behaviour.


But there are happy people aren't they?  I mean, they do exist surely?  So, what can we do to ensure success in our nascent Poly relationship?


I wish I had the answer to that but I am honest enough to realise that I don't have all the answers, most of the relationships simply will not last to the end of your days and that is the reason you don't pack up your life, pack in your job, take your kid/s from everything they know and move into the middle of nowhere for love because NRE will lie to you and tell you exactly what you want to hear and there are few people out there willing and able to tell you what you need to know.