Rejection is a part of life, we might not like it but it has to be so.
I am not really au fait with this internet dating lark, my only experiences of it in the mono world involves men annoying me in chat rooms, it was pretty easy to say no to that, the only times I have met someone from the net...well it was quite clear they they were looking for hookers that they just didn't want to pay! Needless to say, they were all to find themselves disappointed, whilst by no means a Victorian, I do have some standards, I could go into detail at how hilariously desperate and odd they were but, that would be cruel and gossipy so I won't (har har, I bet all you cruel types wanted to hear though right?).
The young, groovy, polyamory world with so many more meet ups and young people who go to clubs and pubs are probably less reliant on the internet, we few older types, with children and a totally pants social life are more reliant on the internet to connect with others, sometimes people contact you as friends (which is always nice) sometimes people contact you and straight away they put on an air of assessment as if you will do for them as long as you answer the right questions, regardless of what you might think of them (which is horrible and presumptuous) but for the most part, people contact you and you get to know each other, through emails, chats and posts in the hope that eventually things will gel and you will get to meet. Fab!
Inevitably people will fall aside before you get to that point, hopefully it will happen early within the first two or three emails:
'Ok, so your husband isn't yet out of Prison? Right......'
or
'So you wrote that you are a 'happy couple' in your profile but your wife lives in Thailand'?
'Yeah, but she will get here soon, she is really nice, you'll love her!!!!'
Sometimes you talk to people and they just stop contact, zip, nada, fall off the face of the planet....that has happened a couple of times, I didn't really mind but I still think it is pretty rude, often it seems that these people just start talking to someone who they like better I suppose. Then they might pop up weeks later acting as if they never disappeared and assume that you are so daft that you will not realise that the other person has let them down.
And then there are the people who you have been in contact with for longer, they are really nice and you have super loads in common, but there is something that just is not right, at first you detect a hint of fragility that you feel is not strong enough for your personality, communication is slow and erratic, you doubt they will contact you again and think perhaps you should just write first and knock things on the head, things are not right and there is no point in dragging things on, then they contact you and tell you that they can't afford their house, husband is studying and has no income, wife is on benefits, they are going to get guns because they abhor the neighbourhood they are staying in and they want to feel 'safe' and all this time the danger signals are just going off in your head like crazy!!!!
And yet they want to enter into a new relationship in that situation?
Perhaps I am an over idealistic, romantic fool but I would like to date people who are not homeless, who haven't just just had their home repossessed and carrying firearms because they have just moved into their friends house in the 'hood'.
Why are we made to feel so bad because we have had to tell them this? A young single free bird might be able to take that risk but why would a mother take her child into such an unstable situation? Don't they realise that my child and her safety is the most important thing to me in the world, don't they realise how unstable they are?
*sigh* it is terribly worrying. I don't demand perfection from people, we are all different, we all have things to work through but I AM mentally fit, I can take care of my self financially and I don't want to live in the fear of violence, at the end of the day that is the very, very least one can insist upon from a family surely?
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Ouch! Bad experience? It is so hard to tell somebody you're not interested, but rejected people are not really thinking about the rejector's feelings when they react. It's a bit much to expect, I suppose. But one should be able to expect courtesy at least.
ReplyDeleteBest Wishes,
Judith
Not so much a 'bad' experience Judith, though I feel bad for rejecting people who were so nice but at the same time I feel it was such an extreme situation that it has created a sort of philosophical discourse within myself, i.e. are some people so blind to their desires that they are willing to ignore more pressing concerns?
ReplyDeleteWhat constitutes an unstable life?
I think it is probably variable, some women might be happy to have a husband without a stable job, some might insist on a set minimum income because they want to make certain they are covered if they want to have children and stay home, I think there is room in the poly world for all different types of people but I think when your finances are in such a state that your home is being repossessed, you have to pull back and wait until you get your life in order. It is hardly encouraging and it makes me wonder what motivates people to keep seeking when clearly they have greater priorities.
I have had several meeting (dates) with gals I have met over the internet and I can asure you that I was not looking for hookers. I admit however that I was looking for company as my marrage at that time had broken down. I do know that some have had real bad experiances from the internet, however those same experiances could easlily have happened from metting someone at a club or pub .. even the church. How did I manage to have so positive an experiance from the net .. well I put it down to this little used or followed out word .. honesty. Yup .. you heard it .. when asked a question I answered truthfully .. so I never was that globe hopping jetsetter with bags of money .. I was always a simple carpenter who was looking for his true soul mate.
ReplyDeleteSilly me .. I even started writing poetry at the lowest point .. let me share one with you now.
Empty Arms
I need love all around me
I feel that deep down in my soul
I want it to sorround me
I need this to be told
Sometimes I feel so lonely
Isolated .. on my own
I crave company .. someone to be with
Someone to hold
You know .. just watching a movie
Sitting by the fire so warm
Just hugging, all comfy
Wrapped in our embrace so bold
Instead .. these arms are all empty
But it's not too late I'm sure
Someone is out there .. waiting
Searching for my love to come in from the cold
So if your out there .. somewhere
With similar arms all empty, indeed
Nedd a man to fill them
To hold you, Love you .. to fill your need
I'm here just sitting
My arms reaching out to you, as I dare
My love warm and unbending
To romance you and show you I care
cc M Graham 2002
I know I know .. I am a romantic fool.
Gas
As you very well know you romantic fool you, you are the proverbial needle in a haystack and trust me, the good guys are hard to spot amongst the swarm of liars, cheats and saddos who use the internet to take advantage of women, it is very easy to lie online.
ReplyDeleteOn the whole though I was lucky, my experiences were few, I didn't have the patience for internet dating and besides I have spent very little time single since being on the internet (in fact, this is my longest stretch of time single since I divorced).
I also have a friend doing internet (mono) dating and he is a darling, an honest and loving man who would make a kind, loving and faithful partner, sadly he has received many paranoid replies from women who have been so burned by their internet dating experiences they find it hard to trust men.
I have to ask .. what made you think of poly in the first place?
ReplyDeleteI am sure it's not in everyones dreams as a young girl.
Just Curious
Hello Just Curious,
ReplyDeleteI wasn't your ordinary kind of young girl! ;o)
However, it is more to do with a constant development of a sort of Utopian thinking and progressive attitudes of a more positive and enlightened way to live. Put simply, I just believe that Polygamy is, on the whole, a more healthy way to live (as long as it isn't forced of course) but then you get into the whole philosophical problems of whether we are conditioned to believe that monogamy is the norm and polygamy is akin to forcing someone to live with abuse or something. Wow, I could dwell on that for ages, I mean, if you grew up with Polygamy being the norm and your spouse then refused to marry someone else would that be considered force?
Sorry, off on a tangent.....
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteOne Love Natja.
ReplyDeleteI thank you for sharing these thoughts with us. You are so candid about what you wish for in a lover or love interest. I was particularly struck by your insistance that homeless people with whom you seem to link or associate with gun carriers and hood dwellers need not apply to be in a relationship with you. Well, in my experience as a child of immigrants in the U.S. it is extremely difficult to be gainfully employed in fact finding any kind of work is seriously difficult especially since the 9/11/01 plymouth rock that fell on folks like me. I watched so many black men from various ethnicities and shades and castes and lifestyle be barred from the socio-economic life in the U.S. to the point where they could only be nomads or studs in relationships with women. This includes my ex-partner who was born elsewhere and was brought to Florida at a very young age. He suffered so much from this exclusion, and when he chose a lifestyle that was was incompatible with the dictates of white supremacy, all doors shut in his face. He couldn't find work and it was extremely difficult to earn a living above ground. And I have found the same to hold true for me. I was enjoying serious upward mobility in (white centered) academia until I deviated from the status quo and embraced a lifestyle that was too healthy and honored my black self. So here I am with years and years of graduate education and lots of experience still unemployed and practically homeless. In fact, just so you know dear, I lived in homeless shelters with my kids for years travelling from state to state looking for a way. The social system that pays the shelters encourage them to move their tenants to other states to lower their homeless numbers. Go figure. More than that, when they get tired of 'supporting" you with state money gained from taxing the downtrodden and money strapped, they perpetuate their hate by taking your children into custody and placing them in foster care where they can bread the would be inmates for their prisons and low wage jobs and re-produce their caste system.
I consider myself a good person, a kind person and mostly I seek to be love. I model myself in that image so that is why I adhere to a raw(ganic) vegan diet. Unfortunately, I meet so many people like you who feel that homeless and hood dwellers and those who have experienced foreclosures are off limits and should not apply to be with them. If you only knew girlfriend. I have met so many attractive and smart and kind people in homeless shelters. And so many of them had lived in these situations for years. The fact is that those who are kind and loving are most often the victims whereas in my recent experiences of the past decade the haters and wicked and workers of iniquity and promoters of hate are the ones holding down the JOBs. Yep, that's how it it in the US. gurrl! I don't care where you go (and I have gone from coast to coast and I might still be moving to North Dakota since they supposedly have an abundance of jobs and I'm so tired of not having money for the basics and living in shelters and roachh infested rat holds) in the United States that's how it is. It's really too bad when we closed our hearts and minds to an entire group without even knowing the fullness. I used to be judgmental of people who received social welfare benefits like foodstamps until I ran out of work study at college and couldn't find a job anywhere and I had to eat somehow so I applied. And frankly, it has been my plight for decades now. When the system shuts you out for whatever reason (at UC Berkeley once they tried not to pay us because the State had run out of money! So many people would have been left stranded!) and you have no trustfund or family and friends to rely on for support the state has to step in.
TO BE CONTINUED (since this only accepts 4096 characters)Thanks for your patience.
Blessed love.
One love again Natja.
ReplyDeleteI lost my house in a foreclosure in Florida almost 10 years ago. I was shut out of the workforce right after the Plymouth rock aka 9/11/01 and it predecessor in kkkrime and deed the stolen 2K elections fell on us. I was shocked that I couldn't find work when I had been used to working many jobs all at once. Since that time of course my life just got worse and worse. Tell me now how would you feel if those you fell in love with had a mandate to become romantically or otherwise involved with economic or financially problemed people? I have been shunned by ALL. And honestly, I realized that I am a bit cerebral and bookish and perhaps too honest in my talk and ways so folks weren't too keen on being friendly with me in any way. But since 2001 I have seen a whole different side of people and it's enlightning. At this time all I can say is that I will never appologize for other people's hate nor will I want to embrace them or become involve with them in any way shape or form in my private life. For instance, the couple that I found myself obsess with for so long are probably like you. They certainly hold a modernist and to some extent a post-modern approach to life. Their suburban middle class lifestyle is important to them and necessary to their success coupled with a mix of identity fixes to make it all look good. Anyway, PLEASE REMIND ME to cut my throat or slash my wrist or take hemlock if I were to ever get involved with those kinds of haters. The truth is that I was homeless and I lived on the steet with my kids for years. I have suffered serious hardships and lived through many ordeals. And I have suffered through tthe most wicked side of humanity and frankly, I don't wish to embrace those who want to perpetuate that in any way. I love your blog cuz your honesty and candidness give me hope and strength. I don't believe in the nuclear family or in monogamy. I practiced serial monogamy ever since I started to have relationships and its not good for a healthy lifestyle especially since all the men that I was involved with always kept an eye open for other possibilities while I was busy being faithful and loyal to them. Oh well, I would like to become involved with others who are like me in every way and who put love first above anything else.
You know I met some pretty nice and lovely people in the shelters that we stayed in over the years. They're just regular people who got hated on by a cruel systtem. I mean some of them were seriously smart, loving and attractive! That shocked me. I hope that you can review this stance even though you have found your loves. I just want you to consider that even downtrodden people can be lovely. After all, how did the African slaves find each other even though they wore rags and were beaten to a pulp, had sores all over their bodies, were raped and humiliated? Do you think that those kinds of people were worthy of love and could they in your opinion have ever been in love? No wonder we still crave what the master has and seek to be in relationships with those folks who are better off than us in every way and live an oppressive lifestyle which is petroleum dependent, meat/kill filled and toxic.
Blessed love.
Hello again, thank you for commenting. I am sorry you suffered so much hardship. I am certainly not against ANYONE finding love and I am certainly not living in some middle-class haven, if you have paid attention to my blog you would know we are just a bunch of flaming hippies!
ReplyDeleteBut when it comes to the safety of my child I am unapologetic, it was an unstable and rather scary situation, not because they were poor, not because they were losing their home even, but because they were living in a friends house in a place that was so dangerous with gang crime that he was talking about waving a firearm at gang members, they were both suffering from depression and were on medication for it. Do you really feel I was being unreasonable? I don't and it is quite hurtful when people make judgements about me based on assumptions.
Natja