Fulfilment Poly

*Copied with adaptations from 4thefamily

Along with Poly being about relationships, it is also a lifestyle, that come with a whole new dynamic (the sisterwife/metamore for example dynamic) that people have to navigate, for some people it can be richly rewarding for some others it can be difficult and fraught but there is no escaping the fact that in particular the sisterwife dynamic has come into the mainstream in the wake of Big Love and Sisterwives and many women have fallen in love with that idea.

You know I do not know one married woman seeker who is not looking for a 'bestie' they all want a friend around who they can do things with, some have been quite open that they want practical help also but more than often, it is the friendship ideal that is foremost.in their mind.

The problem is of course that when these short term,  no real history or connection (except a belief in polygamy) friendships are tested with the regular kind of jealousy and complexities that come with Poly these fragile friendship ends and this former (best friend 4evah) friend is now the enemy, no longer a sisterwife but the woman who wants your husband, the other woman, relegated to being the other woman and losing her status as wife when the first wife invokes her legal wife privilege.

You see this is where I think certain religious (patriarchal fundamentalists) people have the upper hand, because since in those communities men have the right to Polygamy (and I am not saying this is something I am in favour of, just illustrating a different mindset)  although some of the wives may want a Polygamous relationship for their family, they also they know that it is incumbent on them to make the relationship work with their sisterwife, whether they would normally be friends or not. Sisterwives may be friends but not necessarily, which is why the term is sisterwife and not 'friend wife', is everyone best friends with their sister? I am not, I love my sister but were would not be friends were we not related.

The problem with lifestyle seeking is that seekers have an ideal and that ideal is the point of it all, I have even known of first wives searching desperately, stating numerous times how she "Cannot wait to find her sisterwife" putting out of her mind the fact that this woman has to be her husbands wife, before she is 'her sisterwife'. They then fall to pieces when husband and new wife fall into NRE and her most longed for aim of best friendship is put aside in the great romantic rush, new wife often is sent packing by jealous wife number one who bemoans that she 'never knew how hard it would be'.
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The  'what am I getting out of this'? mindset is actually a pretty selfish one. In Mormon fundamentalism, the benefits of PM is a spiritual one. Most non Mormon seekers are not seeking spiritual enlightenment but practical benefits, whether that is emotional support, day to day help or even amongst some, sexual fulfilment.
Problem is, fantasies are always better in your head.

Once that person does not live up to expectations their 'marriage' dissolves away as if it had never been.
I really think for Polygamous relationships to endure first wives really have to take a step back, sometimes Polygamous families fall apart purely due to the fact that FW is not getting the ideal she fantasied about.