Ppppp...pick up a Poly paradigm

I received a nice email this morning and in it the writer talked about my life being "different from Polygamy" and I explained to her a bit about my awareness of Poly and how it came about and also why I, a person who does not define as a polygamist, spend so much time in the Polygamist community. 

Well one reason was because although I entered the Polyamory community first, I did not like it,  sure, I liked the ideal of Polyamory but the community was a little 'onetruewayist' and I felt sidelined.  I wasn't really inspired until I found a bunch of welcoming secular Polygamous families online, they seemed to understand what it was I was aiming for.
 
Multiple intimate relationships are all very well and good but my true desire was for a big family and living communally.  As a teen I loved the idea of living in a commune with many like minded people, being very sociable the ability to always have a person on hand to bash ideas about with was appealing.  As an adult, with a little sharing and living alone experience behind me I realised that living with those you loved was a safer bet than living with those who you may  (kinda) like. 

I spent a long time feeling out of place in the Polyamory scene. In the Polyamory community everything is up for negotiation, what kind of relationship you want and what needs you have and whether they are being met, that is perfectly fine but sometimes it is quite clear that people are looking to enhance their sexual lives, not their families, they do not want anyone getting involved with their domestic lives and a metamour can be dispatched with if inconvenient or vetoed out . I did not want to be the lover of a married man who would always put his wife's needs in front of mine because she is the 'primary'. It smacked too much of being a bit on the side. Similarly, I did not want to have a whole bunch of FWBs to take care of my sexual needs when I am attractive and exciting but no one there when I have a cold, looking dreadful and when I need support or care.
In other words, I wanted family.
 
 So, although I agree strongly with the act and principles of Polyamory (the ability to love more than one and to do it in an ethical way) I chose to move towards the Polygamy movement as my freedom to have many lovers was not something I cared that much to exercise whereas the family aspect was more important to me.

Also, the Polygamists seemed to be eradicating that awful (IMHO) hierarchical relationship model which was so annoying to me.  Language is important and it does matter, so when a woman is introducing   man 1. as husband and man 2. as boyfriend, you know just who observers will think is her "real" family and who they will assume to be the interloper. The Polygamy movement appeared to be more simple and certainly more able to put away the idea of hierarchy, with just one title 'wife' and many people dismissing the concept of 'head' wife or the legal wife being more valid, I was content with that scene.

 I desired a real paradigm shift from the bondage of monogamy (in the form of a nuclear family unit living separate from their extended family).  I saw the advantages of space sharing and although through experience I now realise the true limits on my ability to share space (mixed communal and private space is more my ideal), it is still something I desire and I realise that my living situation although the best situation for now, it is not what I really want.

I identify as a Polyamorist because I can, and do, have more than one intimate relationship but those of you who know me to use the term cenogamy, can perhaps see where my true heart lies.