My new three year rule....

Dan Savage has a point.............



Recently there have been a bit of a glut of Poly notifications, that treat the attainment of Poly as an end....rather than a beginning.  "We have done it....hurray....and thank you...bye!!!!"  That's it!  They are done, finito, they have attained the desired state so now can leave the online Poly community and live their lives out in peace and harmony.




Ermmm, no.

Of course not, they either a) Come back with problems or b) Come back because it is over and are looking for someone else.  Sadly this attainment culture is especially strong in the Polygamous community where people try to remake Monogamous standards in Polygamy, but hyper drive them.  So they are very quick to use terms like engagement and marriage, without the required time to build up a proper relationship, which requires more time than Monogamy rather than less.  I can't tell you the rush of pure rage in me when I read moronic lines like "My husband and I met and marred within 3 weeks of meeting and we have been together 17 years now, so see it works, WE are proof!!!!"

This guileless sentence is a pure example of ignorance over the complexity of Poly relationships, but often, people get so caught up in a wave of excitement they do not believe that they are following a well trodden path that multiple Poly failures are strewn with.  This is a chart I have made of a time frame of  Mono/Poly courtship ritual.  (based on online meet ups since this is the Poly-fi standard).

Monogamy – 6mths- ~6 years	Polygamy – 1mth- ~1 year (usually less)
First time you talk, they sound nice.	First time you talk online, you are interested,  you expect them not to talk to other couples.
First meet someone, you like them and hope you get a date	First meeting, you like each other, hurray you are ‘Courting’
You have been dating, decide to be exclusive	You have met two or three times, you are engaged.
You consider the possibility of moving in	You plan the wedding
You  consider marriage	You break up

The time scales for the Poly relationships should be a great deal longer but are not because people get hyper excited over having a ‘lifestyle’ not having a relationship!  No Mono woman out there says to herself….”I can’t wait to meet a man and live a coupled lifestyle!!!”  No, people are just looking for love.  But Poly is a desired (for some) lifestyle also, and that often overtakes the far more important relationship aspects of the courting process.  This is especially strong in the non-romantic metamore for whom, the lifestyle aspect takes precedence, so you tend to get first wives pushing a relationship harder than anyone, because she is keen to get on with the lifestyle part.

Yes, I believe in Poly as a strong, relationship movement that can change lives/family/community, but we cannot forget that this lifestyle is based on personal interrelationships, if those are not strong than the lifestyle aspects are irrelevant.

We had been asked to write up our ‘success story’ on .yuku.  I refused saying, I do not actually think we are a success.  We are only a success comparative to the Greater Poly-fi community.  No one would laud a year long Mono relationship, no one has a huge party for their 5^th wedding anniversary (I guess a person unable to sustain a relationship for more than a few weeks may be given some props for the above but I really do not want to compare myself to them!!).  

So I am personally instituting a three year rule for all Poly relationships, any relationship that is committed and functional after three years, with the additional stresses of Poly, can be considered pretty successful and it is at THAT point, when people should then consider themselves married, not three months!  Why tie yourselves into a cultural mindset unsuitable to your situation?  What you end up doing is either considering yourself ‘divorced’ which is pretty devastating and loaded, especially for a three month relationship, or something even worse ‘post breakup downgrade’  This is where a previously Poly marriage is downgraded, post break up to ‘not a proper marriage’ because the second wife does not have any legal validation.  Which of course is, emotionally dishonest and also, pretty destructive for the community.  If we want our relationships to be respected, we have to give them the validity the State refuses to award them, yes, even if they fail.

 According to John Ince, the CPAA’s lawyer for the Canadian case, the case was a win for the Polyamorous community because since we have no binding authority for our marriages  

‘an intimate, life-pledged, ring-exchanging group relationship is not a marriage, it's just a close friendship.’

Gee, thanks mate, with friends like these…………so anyway,  I hope that line gave a little sting to anti marriage equality people and now you may realise why it matters!  Why the term marriage is so important to gay couples, yes even if  they can get civil partnered.

Because then you may not have people like John Ince saying your relationship, which you have pledged life long commitment to live as a family, is just like ‘a close friendship’.*

As I wrote in a previous entry, I am against Poly folks (as much as possible) entering into State sanctioned marriage because it helps sustain the system (anyone who believes they can change the laws from within are fooling themselves, the CPAA just proved it with their ‘we’re alright jack’ attitude!) which creates fundamental inequalities with our relationships and denies our loving relationships rights under the law. Unless you are committed to the Primary/Secondary model of Poly and insist that you will always live that way, do not get (legally) married.  

Furthermore, I would suggest not symbolically/ceremonially uniting as a Poly family until you have been together some years.  It is hard to know (NRE enthusiasm not withstanding) that your relationship can stand the test of time yourself, let alone, making a claim to your family and friends that your relationship can.  A few years not only gives your relationship a chance to mature, but also gives your family a chance to understand and accept your relationship, to the point that you may, if you choose to, have some family there, supporting you on your special day.  One of the great injustices of the way this system is set up, couples who often have had a lovely big wedding themselves, expect second wives to marry barefoot in the living room with juvenile witnesses with a reception at the nearest Steakhouse. I have personally found it very hard to hear first wives say 'it doesn't matter to me, it is just a piece of paper, I did not want/have a big wedding' as if, somehow that invalidates or disparages a second wife's wish to. Not to mention the privileged status of first wives claiming a lack of appreciation FOR that privilege. 

As I wrote previously, if we want people to respect our relationships, we have to respect our relationships!   

* I understand John Ince is suggesting we follow the course of gaining rights as cohabitees first as was the case with gay cohabitation, but the language he used irked me, especially since, no Polyamorous person had ever been convicted anyway, the victory, as far as I can see, was a bit hallow for Polyamorists and the threats are still there for polygamists..