Spoilerage below
I have just finished reading Love times three, a book written (with a ghost writer) by the Independent Mormon Fundamentalists Darger Family. One thing that struck me about Joe Darger was he is so very more "macho" than Kody Brown, much less goofy and more serious and self assured, it is much harder to get a feel of someone's personality from a book of course, I am sure all of Kody's hyperactive goofiness would not be as apparent on paper but that was my first impression of Joe, that he was a little more 'patriarchal' than Kody, but of course Kody grew up Mainstream LDS, not converting to fundamentalism until young adulthood whereas Joe was brought up in fundamentalism by a man, it seems, who was a bit distant and harsh. Culturally it seems, their lives were very different and so are the men.
The women also seem very level headed, practical and not as distinguishable as the Brown women are, of course the fact that two of them are Monozygotic twins doesn't help matters. They are very well grounded and so devoted to their family.
The thing that struck me is their application of the very same relationship communication skills we employ in Polyamourist relationships and it is one of the things that frustrates me about some people in the Polyamory movement, is that they seem to think that talking about open communication, trust, security, self belief etc is something new which sprung forth from the neck of Morning Glory Zell Ravenheart. Having or being involved with, someone who has multiple partners is nothing new, the Religious Polygamists may not have the kind of set up you would want for yourself, but the issues that develope from freely choosing a Poly lifestyle are the same whether you have a religious basis or not.
Reading about Valarie Darger and the break up of her first (also Polygamous) marriage, re-marriage to Joe as his third wife and her eldest child leaving her to go live back with his father was an incredibly moving point for me, I realised that despite our widely different backgrounds and ideals on how to conduct Poly relationships, that this woman knows more than anyone the pain I am feeling and I know hers.
I was both inspired by their dedication and strength and also jealous that they are surrounded by so much love, since I am at a point in which I feel very alone.
Love times three is a great book which sheds a little light upon how a functioning Polygamous family works and some of the skills they employ to make it work well.
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One Love Natja,
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that you posted this review. I'm catching up with your post for the past few months. I really appreciate the honesty that you expressed in your review. I must say that I too feel envious of their love times three and their huge family. They also live a comfortable lifestly that I can only dream of. I struggle to feed myself and provide for my kids (which is why they live with their father).
I would also like to know how far their commitment to free agency goes. The father Darger recently posted about it and how he feels that this is what their God meant for them to have as free agents of their faith-free will to be who they want to be. That is what he wants for his children. Still, I would like to know why in an interview, he made it a point to insist that they lived in a plural marriage and that they were not polyamorist. It almost sounded as if he was skeptical about other sexual ways of being. I am still waiting for people to ask them why the women cannot be with other sexual partners of the same gender or otherwise.
On my part, I seek a closed triad relationship. I would like a real relationship with children and a large family. I can't fathom how that would work with my partners bonding fluidly or otherwise with other people.
I wonder what they would do if one of their kids wanted to choose a homosexual or bi-sexual lifestyle or an inter-racial relationship?
Bless.
Yes, I understand, as a person who has continually sought to advise people to let relationships develop as they will 'without' expectation, I do myself struggle with the envy of wanting a Poly lifestyle closer to theirs. Living under the same roof but with my own room and more children growing up with the benefit of more parents seems like a dream that is unobtainable given our respective circumstances at the present time and near future.
ReplyDeleteAs for Joe Darger, well as I said in the blog post, his background seems a lot more devout and closed than Kody Brown, though the Browns are quite religious themselves, they have a far wider life experience and that comes through in their reactions to other lifestyles. When you get even very liberal and sex positive people mistaking Polyamory with swinging and casual sex, you wonder what people from more conservative backgrounds are thinking!
I am sorry to hear about your children, I know how hard it is to live without your offspring, I hope you get back on your feet soon and can have them back with you.
As someone IN a triad, you seriously do not want to 'seek' one out, they are jolly hard and there are very few happy stories coming out of them, one wonders why on earth they are so popular, it is bonkers! Just see what comes along, never reject love and work on having happy healthy relationships.
Good luck,
Natja
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